Find Ya Some Peace, Girlfriend

On my 45th birthday, my first without my mom, my boyfriend’s mother gave me a gift that holds a special personal meaning to me. I don’t know how she knew the one thing that I wanted more than anything else in the world. But somehow, she nailed it.

No, I don’t want a new wardrobe, a bigger television, more craft supplies or anything else. All I fucking want is some peace. That’s all.

When I asked her how she knew, she just shrugged.

You always seem so lost and sad, she replied.

Well, yeah. She’s more observant than I had originally given her credit for.

I’m not exactly sure how to find peace. Solitude is rather peaceful, until I start to get lonely. (Yes, introverts get lonely too!) Sometimes I’ll get a peaceful, easy feeling after I’ve prayed. Or when I break bad on occasion and have a nasty, gross cigarette. Or when I take something on a bad night to help me sleep better.

None of these interactions with peace ever last long.

Last summer, when I went to North Carolina with friends who had lost their mom to Covid so that they could sprinkle her ashes in the ocean, I had a bit of an episode. We had just gotten there earlier that evening, then we went food shopping. Afterward, we were all sitting on the deck. I had gone most of the day without eating much at all. I passed out while I was talking to my boyfriend on the phone. It dropped from my hand and that’s all I remember.

It was dark, mostly gray really. I felt like I was drifting away from all things earthly. I could hear their voices calling my name, although just barely. I didn’t want to open my eyes, I wanted to stay wherever the hell I was. I felt so calm and (ahem) peaceful.

I wasn’t scared at all.

I think someone must have shook me so hard that I came to long enough to mumble, “low blood sugar”. Then I closed my eyes again, wanting more than anything to escape the confines of my physical form, to go back to that blissful freedom.

I didn’t see any bright lights. I didn’t hear the voice of God or see any of my dead relatives. But damn, maybe I would have if someone hadn’t shoved a piece of bakery into my mouth and instructed me to wake up and chew, damn it, Mer!

After a few minutes, my sugar crash reversed itself and I was able to sit up again. Then they made me a sandwich. I remember sitting there, listening to the ocean waves, nibbling on my food and wondering what had just happened to me.

I’m a diabetic and I can’t go long periods of time without eating. Duh. That’s the reality of it.

But I DID find peace for a short time…although I don’t think it’s the kind that my boyfriend’s mom meant when she gave me that gift.

Have you ever had any kind of NDE (near death experience) before?


      • I lost my mom in 2019, got divorced the same year. My daughter and I moved in early 2020. And as for getting older…I would rather do that than be young again. Hmm. I think you’re mostly caught up.


      • I’m sorry about your mom. And the husband, too, I suppose, but I’m really sorry about your mom. I know you were very close. I miss my dad, too. 😦

        Liked by 1 person

      • I’m sorry about your dad. 😦 It’s been over two years since my mom passed and I’m still beyond shattered.
        The cheating, shitty ex can go suck a fatty. I’m much better off without him.


      • Thanks. It’s been 3 years for my dad, and 5 for Male. I’m not really over either of those losses. Doubt I ever will be completely.

        He cheated on you?! F that guy!!

        Liked by 1 person

      • I don’t think we’ll ever get over it. Somehow, we just learn to live with the grief. I keep trying to move forward, I promised her that when I said goodbye. She was always so worried that I was going to try and off myself again.
        Yes, he did. For many years. I found out about it all the summer of 2017. He’s fucking remarried already, I almost feel sorry for her. Almost.


      • What you said. At least you got to say goodbye. I’m here for you now and forever. Even if I disappear from blogging again, I’m here for you. ❤

        What a twat. Good riddance.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Aw. ❤ Thank you.
        My blogging has been sporadic for a long time but having old friends like you back again makes me want to try harder. The words just don't come as easily as they once did and I've been afraid that I've lost my sense of humor.
        I love that word. Twat. And you're right. Now he's someone else's problem. That man was killing me slowly and I didn't even realize it.


      • Same! Sporadic is better than disappearing like I did. Don’t disappear.

        And I would totally show up at that dude’s house and smack him about the head with a fishtail for you. No words. Just ring doorbell, THWACK, leave. Hehe.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Eh, my therapist has been pushing me to keep writing. It’s nice to have someone supporting me, at least.
        Hehe, thank you! That would be fucking awesome. When I first found out, I slapped the piss outta him and one of his teeth gouged the inside of his cheek. I made the bastard bleed!!


      • We gotta get back on that bloggin’ horse. I does feel good to blog. Ever since I came back, my brain’s been flooded with words, so that’s good.

        Good for you! I bet it felt great.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Sometimes I’ll find myself writing shit in my head too, just like the old days. 🙂
        It felt wonderful. I replay it in my mind when I need to cheer myself up.

        Liked by 1 person

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