Factory Settings

I just found out a few days ago that my boyfriend’s mom needs heart surgery. A short time ago, she was on a respirator for 3 days because she couldn’t breathe. It was some kind of miracle that she survived.

At first, they told us that it was COPD. She had to quit smoking, take some medications and eat less salt. But after seeing the heart specialist, all three of her arteries are over 90% blocked. So they’ve scheduled her for June 1st. My boyfriend has been on the edge of hysterics and his mom is ping-ponging between acceptance and that the doctors are all full of shit.

She feels fine, she doesn’t need no damn surgery. A stubborn woman just like my mom was, although the difference is that my mother was an RN and quite educated.

After three years of being on/off again with this lady (who was so afraid that I was planning on taking her son away from her, lol) we’ve finally come to care about each other. Or at least I do. I offered to stay with her during the first few days once she gets home so that Steven doesn’t have to miss as much work.

She just turned 77 years old. They don’t have much family left (sounds all too familiar) so I felt inclined to try and help them out. I’ll hate myself when the time comes, since I’m not an early riser. But I’d hate myself more if I didn’t do anything other than shrug and say sucks to be you guys.

The last week has been better with him, since we had our long discussion on my fragility. The thing about Steven that I admire the most is his ability and desire to try. He tries very hard to accommodate my myriad of issues and is usually receptive when I tell him what my needs are.

I think that most men would’ve been like, I’m outta here you crazy ass bitch.

I love him as much as I am able to love anyone right now. We’re just two people who’ve had a rough go of it, especially in the romantic relationship department. However, I think my damage is far worse than his.

I do want him in my life. He’s been there for me through thick and thin. He helped carry my mom’s casket. His arms were waiting for me when I turned away from her freshly dug grave. Being her daughter and the eldest, I was the first person to toss my rose as my final goodbye that day. It was beyond wonderful to have someone waiting to hold me as I cried.

I wish that there was a way to just reset myself to factory settings. Maybe then I would be able to truly start anew.

That’s not how this shit works, damn it anyway.

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