Unpopular Facts

I’m having a major existential crisis.

I’m trying to figure out who the hell I am. After years of being abused, gaslighted and controlled, I seriously haven’t the foggiest idea. I’ve been hardwired to believe that I’m unworthy, unsatisfactory and unlovable.

I know that there’s a good person deep down inside of me. It’s like peeling the layers of an onion. There are things about me that I love, some that I like and then parts of myself that I really dislike.

What to keep and what to toss away into the garbage is a daily struggle.

I have regular nightmares that leave me with a doomed feeling that’s difficult to shake off.

I’m on a journey of healing, which sounds so cliche, I know. But damn is it hard work. There are days when I just want to give up. More often lately, I’m going down a unfortuantly familiar, self-destructive path…Googling suicide and indulging those fucking demons.

The Wikipedia page about suicide methods is like a trauma-induced bedtime story when I’m in that frame of mind. It’s much like a car wreck; you don’t want to look but you’re still morbidly curious.

I find that it’ll bring me some comfort…that it’s an option.

Just knowing that I can choose to leave on my own terms somehow lessens my ideations, as odd as that may sound. It’s only something that a truly depressed person could understand and as much as I realize how disturbing it must be to most people, I feel the need to let the truth spill forth from my fingertips.

There is a darkness inside my mind and if I don’t purge it the best way that I know how, through writing, I fear that it’ll eat me alive from the inside out.

The only way forward is to replay and process everything that’s happened to me. I suppose that’s why I have nightmares so fucking regularly. 

I found this meme the other day that struck a chord with me and made me feel validated.

I hate him. I’m relieved. I’m thankful to be away from him. 

It still hurts, anyway.

There are good memories that remain.

Another unpopular fact.

10 comments

  1. I know exactly what you are talking about when you discuss your former abuser. I too battle with my feelings for my ex. I tell myself about the good memories because I don’t like admitting that he was able to treat me like shit for so long and I stayed in the relationship and kept letting him abuse me. That is why these men choose women like us. They are born manipulators, and know how to attack our hearts and minds. Just remember that you were strong enough to break the cycle. And believe me when I say that it took great strength to do so. My prayers are with you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for your words of encouragement and kindness. I’m so sorry that you’ve experienced the same situation as I have.
      I need every prayer that I receive.

      Like

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