The Truth About Forgiveness

hqdefault

I’ll never be able to forgive my ex-husband for what he did to me and my daughter.

Not because I don’t have it in me to do so…I consider myself a kind and openminded person that’s capable of seeing the reasoning behind why humans do what they do. By putting myself in their shoes, I’m often able to eventually have an “ah ha” moment of understanding and clarity.

But I don’t want to forgive him, you see.

You forgive a dog when he takes a crap on your living room carpet, not someone who tried their utmost best to ruin someone that they claimed to love.

No, not even for myself, to set me free. I appreciate all of the forgiveness people out there but I’m not buying into it. Telling me that I need to forgive him in order to have a better life does more harm than good, in my opinion.

I can be free, happier and still loathe the man.

I’ve felt rather free the last year or so, I reckon, and my distaste for him has only strengthened. I hold onto it like a hot stone in my hand, which motivates me to do better each day, to stay strong, brave and fierce.

He’s a sly worm, a half-ass excuse for a real man. He’s also not my problem anymore and no longer a source of continuous stress for me, which has been such a breath of fresh air.

Chronic stress contributes to illnesses such as fibromyalgia, depression, anxiety and OCD, all things that you’d find if you took a gander at my medical records. Being with him exacerbated my conditions.

I hate to admit it but my daughter and I suffered at the hands of a vulnerable narcissist for 15 years. He had such a way of manipulating people into believing that he well and truly had a heart, a soul worthy of true commitment to someone other than himself. Yet, he was so full of shit, I’m surprised that he didn’t smell constantly like he’d just rolled around in manure for an hour.

I get seriously irked when someone tells me to forgive him. I have a good laugh.

Why the fuck should I? He damaged my psyche. He abandoned me when I needed him the most. He continuously let me down. It wasn’t just the cheating that made me ultimately kick him out and end our (way too long) relationship.

In hindsight, I now realize that it was his narcissistic abuse. And he’s the reason why I’ve recently been diagnosed with Complex-PTSD.

He fucking messed me up and the longterm harm continues to manifest itself in a myriad of ways.

When I finally opened my eyes to see the real him, up close and center, I was sickened by what I saw. That was over 3 years ago and I’m still plagued by flashbacks, nightmares, irrational fears and avoidant tendencies, although I’m working on them slowly.

He doesn’t deserve my forgiveness. Plain and simple.

Wherever he is now, no matter what he’s doing or whoever he’s with, I’m certain that I don’t cross his mind. If I do, it’s only with regret and anger that he got caught and seen for who he really is.

The best thing that I did was to move on and rebuild my life.

When I wake up each day, I’m proud of myself for taking on the daunting challenge of ending our toxic union. Looking back on what my life was like 3 years ago, I wish that I could hug the woman I was then and tell her that it does, in fact, get better.

I loved myself enough to do one of the hardest things that I’ve ever had to do.

The person that I need to forgive is myself, for taking so long to do it.

No, I won’t ever be able to forgive him. He’ll forever be dangling off of that hook in my mind, caught like a fish on a pole, struggling for air.

And I become freer by the day.

4 comments

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s