I’ve been having more good-ish mental health days than bad lately, which is nice. It really is.
But the bad ones are just brutal.
I feel sometimes that my moods are as erratic as one of those rings that were so popular back in the day.
I blame it mostly on my grief, my inability to truly accept that the past is gone and there’s nothing that I can do to bring it back. If I pay close attention to how life works, how relationships ebb and flow, constantly changing and evolving, it makes a bit more sense to me. I can’t say that it doesn’t make me feel extremely distraught but I do get that it’s a normal thing that happens to us all throughout our lifetimes.
My family is just not the same anymore. It’s not really anyone’s fault.
It just is.
As soon as my mom took her last breath, each one of us changed as a person.
My daughter and I both strongly feel the rift. We’ve agreed that at least we still have each other; we’re mostly on our own now and we need to build upon that.
It’s so difficult to face this fact…but it’s the end of an era.
Because the family dynamics that once were are now all wonky.
My aunt isn’t really my aunt, although I’ve never given up that fact before. And I won’t, out of respect, go into any details. In the beginning and until the tragic end, she was my mom’s carer and I’ve already thanked her for that.
But you see, my daughter has known her since she was a baby. So yeah, she’s pretty much shown us time and again that she doesn’t really want to be a part of our lives anymore. Yet, she often exhibits some passive-aggressive behavior towards my daughter which infuriates me.
I’ve personally given up chasing her but the pain that my daughter must feel due to this abandonment makes me so fucking angry.
But there’s absolutely zilch that I can do about it and so, we just keep taking life as it comes.
But there’s a freedom in giving up control of certain things.