A Research Nerd

A year ago, I was sweating my ass off because we didn’t have central air at the condo. The unit was new back in 1991…the year before I graduated high school. (For you younger readers, that was way back before WiFi.)

It wasn’t fixable and since those suckers cost a small fortune, I had no other choice but to look at the summer months in Northeastern Ohio with disdain and a bit of rage, as I sat in front of my fan that blew hot, humid air back at me.

My tears mingled with my sweat droplets.

Salty.

But now, my new house is set at a comfortable 74 degrees and I am a happy human. My daughter is also as blissful as a pig eating last night’s slop and my pets are living the cool life.

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Maya and Rico get along well, much to my relief and pleasure. After our elder dog Maggie passed in May, Maya seemed so lost and sad. But during the weeks that followed, Maya and Rico started playing and then laying closer together. It amazes me how gentle Maya is with the cat. I seriously miss my Maggie May and there are days when I still imagine seeing her in her favorite spots or call for her, momentarily forgetting that she’s gone.

I’m really thankful that these two have become unlikely friends.


It’s going on 3 years since I found out that my now ex-husband was sticking his dick in places that it didn’t belong. My God, how did I manage to survive that hell on toast? Seriously. I just have no bloody clue how I didn’t go bonkers and end up cutting his downstairs mix-up off with a butter knife.

But the other night, as I sat on my recliner watching television (the remote under my control and finally feeling fine with that) I realized with awe that I’m in such a better place now than I was then.

Yeah, I loved him. I had foolishly trusted him.

But had I been I truly fucking content and feeling good about my marriage?

Hell no.

I have a new life now and much like the remote for the television, I’m finally in control of it.

Besides missing my mom, the chronic pain (and friends) from the cursed fibromyalgia and my myriad of mental health bullshit (we all have our burdens to carry, eh?) I am mostly okay-ish.

Like, most of the time. I still have loads of therapy ahead of me. You don’t just snap back after abuse from two different men over the course of 25 years.

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I’m still waiting for my paper degree in the mail.


Since my relationship with my mom was complicated, I’m experiencing something called complicated grief. I told my therapist that I knew exactly what it was (I am a research nerd, after all) and she said that she wasn’t surprised in the slightest.

So, I bought the book On Death and Dying by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross.

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It was written in 1969, although it doesn’t read like it. This book is where the 5 stages of grief originated from. I want to better understand what my mother was dealing with, especially those last few months of her life.

Why did she turn away from me?

What made her so nasty, bitter and mean? Was it her pain and fear? She made me cry a couple of days before she died and that’ll haunt me forever.

I want to…strike that…I need to understand death. I mean, yes, I know what it is. Duh. My father died 34 years ago, next month. I was young but I knew that it was permanent. I was a daddy’s girl and we were extremely close. I never questioned his love for me.

My dad’s death was different. One minute he was there and then poof, he was just gone from us.

My mom’s illness lasted about 5 years, a slow, miserable deterioration that was absolutely heartbreaking to watch. She was basically starving to death and we had no idea why until the day before she died. I cannot even imagine not knowing what was, little by little, killing me.

She was one brave woman. I don’t know if I could’ve kept going without deciding to put an end to my own suffering.


I’ve been in major crafting mode. I’m repainting a small wooden heart-shaped shelf, then using Mod Podge to adhere paper flowers and butterflies onto it. It’s called decoupage and I just ordered a few other supplies for even more projects.

You have to keep yourself entertained somehow, am I right?

I even made some silly looking Beatles magnets yesterday.

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Help! We need somebody…

I’ll post more of my completed projects once they’re finished. (For better or for worse.)

If the virus ever leaves (Ohio is close to a level 4, much like Florida and a few other states) then perhaps I’ll try another craft show. But I don’t think that will be happening anytime soon.

I tried really hard to mix in some humor within this post.

Be safe out there, you guys!

9 comments

  1. So great that Maya and Rico are getting along. They’re so cute. And I think it’s great how you are being proactive with the complicated grief of your mother’s passing. All the hugs to you. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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