I’m Torn

One of the most difficult things about moving forward after losing a loved one, moving on from a familiar, yet miserable marriage and embracing a completely new life are the trickles that continue to drip off of you.

The trickles from my marriage are pure poison. They burn.

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Bleck.

It comes in many forms…dreams, nightmares, unwanted memories, recurring thoughts of the betrayal and the on/off desire for revenge.

Yes, they have included my car.

To quote the great Natalie Imbruglia…

Nothing’s fine, I’m torn
I’m all out of faith
This is how I feel
I’m cold and I am shamed
Lying naked on the floor

Uh oh, I listened to it and now I need to post the fucking video.

I’m wide awake and I can see

The perfect sky is torn

Brilliant acting, btw.


Then I have immense trickles of grief. They ache.

Living life without my mom makes me feel a deep sense that nothing will ever really matter as much anymore like I’m just serving my time here until I can go join her.

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I mean, I love the hell out of my daughter. I love my dog and my grand-cat. I enjoy chocolate more than I should and that first sip of coffee in the morning is the ultimate shit. Yet, I still struggle with facing each day without the sound of my mom’s voice.

My God, do I miss her.

I think it’s time for a new antidepressant. I’ve been on Effexor for 5 years now and I do believe that it’s just not doing the job anymore. The suicidal ideation is a wee bit (okay, a lot) too close for comfort. I’m used to it always being there (a part of me, like my own heartbeat) but I prefer it when it goes on vacation for longer than a couple of days at a time.

I have another phone session with my therapist this Wednesday, so before I contact my doctor, I’m going to discuss the situation with her.

Ugh, mental illness, I hate you so much.

Maybe not as much as my ex-husband, though.

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