One of the most difficult things about moving forward after losing a loved one, moving on from a familiar, yet miserable marriage and embracing a completely new life are the trickles that continue to drip off of you.
The trickles from my marriage are pure poison. They burn.
It comes in many forms…dreams, nightmares, unwanted memories, recurring thoughts of the betrayal and the on/off desire for revenge.
Yes, they have included my car.
To quote the great Natalie Imbruglia…
Nothing’s fine, I’m torn
I’m all out of faith
This is how I feel
I’m cold and I am shamed
Lying naked on the floor
Uh oh, I listened to it and now I need to post the fucking video.
I’m wide awake and I can see
The perfect sky is torn
Brilliant acting, btw.
Then I have immense trickles of grief. They ache.
Living life without my mom makes me feel a deep sense that nothing will ever really matter as much anymore like I’m just serving my time here until I can go join her.
I mean, I love the hell out of my daughter. I love my dog and my grand-cat. I enjoy chocolate more than I should and that first sip of coffee in the morning is the ultimate shit. Yet, I still struggle with facing each day without the sound of my mom’s voice.
My God, do I miss her.
I think it’s time for a new antidepressant. I’ve been on Effexor for 5 years now and I do believe that it’s just not doing the job anymore. The suicidal ideation is a wee bit (okay, a lot) too close for comfort. I’m used to it always being there (a part of me, like my own heartbeat) but I prefer it when it goes on vacation for longer than a couple of days at a time.
I have another phone session with my therapist this Wednesday, so before I contact my doctor, I’m going to discuss the situation with her.
Ugh, mental illness, I hate you so much.
Maybe not as much as my ex-husband, though.