To Wander Off…

I was reading an article about a woman who continues to have, much to her dismay, a deep desire to just disappear. She used the phrase “emotional paralysis.” I couldn’t have found a better way to express this feeling. It’s not so much wanting to die, which I’ve experienced way too many times in my opinion, but much like this woman, I’ve been wishing that I could just cease to be.

I was talking with my therapist a couple of days ago (yes, I’m not out here dry-dogging it solo) and I told her that I was actually amazed that I was still top-side, sitting on my bed talking to her on the phone.

It’s the age of the coronavirus and I haven’t seen her in person since February. 

She’s a really good therapist and I should know; I saw my first one when my age was still in single digits. Nowadays, I only get two 45 minute sessions per month, but it’s better than nothing.

After all that I’ve been through the last few years, I am somehow still interested in actively engaging in therapy. Given everything that I’ve experienced, it’s like some sort of minor miracle. 

miracle
Calm the fuck down, Jules

Because a part of me wants to just wander off the planet, never to be seen again.


I’ve become emotionally paralyzed, after so many traumatic events in a short span of time.

My husband was cheating on me.

I kicked him out, while still being a victim of his gaslighting and manipulation, then eventually got divorced from said cheating husband.

My mom was severely ill and then died. Our once close relationship began to erode the sicker that she became and although a part of me understands her reasoning behind pushing me away, it still stings like salt on an open wound.

I decided to sell my condo and move into a century house because the memories in every shadowy corner of my failed marriage was just too much to bear. I thought that moving would make me happy and although I do love my new home, I am still unhappy, mostly detached from my emotions.

The coronavirus hit home and someone that I loved died from it. 

My previously healthy elderly dog died suddenly and without warning.

Just last week, my hip became partially dislocated! Oh joy of joys!

It never fucking ends. It seems like each day is brimming with the possibility of yet another trauma, just waiting to be unleashed. 


Since this is my first official post on my new blog, please take a minute to check out the About Me page. (Unless you’re a good blog friend of mine who already knows all about me! Then feel free to skip it!)

20 comments

  1. You have overcome so much and I am so proud of you. I believe in you and I too have felt that emotional paralysis. That is a great term for it.

    Great new blog! So happy to see you create anew. Writing is your gift. Thank you for sharing it. 💕

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m glad that I did as well. And thank you for following me again, here. ❤
      I'm trying my best but damn have I been struggling.

      Like

  2. Walking…scratch that…trudging through rough waters myself but just wanted to say that I’m glad you are here, like on this earth, and WordPress, and FB. 🙂 Your posts remind me that there are still some very real people out there and it’s so refreshing. My migraine and I will be off now. But one more thing, as someone who has faced entirely too much as well, I’m so sorry. Here’s hoping things settle for a while, well forever. 💜

    Liked by 1 person

    • I often think about you and how you’re one of the strongest, kindest and sweetest people that I “know” online. ❤ I suppose we can be real and trudge together. I do hope that somehow, things get a bit easier for both of us, Mishka.

      Liked by 1 person

      • That’s very nice of you to say. 💖 It really is. Recently a person on FB was talking about how someone we graduated with isn’t recovering from Covid. I chimed in and shared an article about how scientists are suspecting that Covid can turn into MECFS, the illness I’ve had for six years. She did quickly reply with something polite. But I remember thinking people just can’t know until they’ve walked in those shoes, they just don’t get it. I think there are many things you and I get that we wouldn’t wish on our worst enemy. I hate that for you and I do hope they get better too, or even just easier. I’d settle for easier 🤍 Take good care of you and hoping you are enjoying being out from under the HOA life. ❤️

        Liked by 1 person

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